Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back to the week of the diagnosis, I feel that I can see much more clearly many of the initial emotional reactions since I have allowed time to pass.  In the moment, it was very overwhelming and so much to handle all at once.  I think my initial reaction was one of two feelings: shock, "this is surreal, and fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Am I going to live or die?  How will my body react to chemo and radiation?  Most of the chemo and radiation stories I heard, were the scary ones.  People did not fare well and became very ill.  I have since learned that there is a whole spectrum of how people respond to chemo and radiation.  We don't hear of the people who do.  But they are out there.  The AC treatments have (so far) been the most difficult for me to handle.  Now that I am Receiving Taxol, I am doing great.  Little to no side effects!  Today I drove myself to chemo as John has been sick and we did't want to expose everyone. After 3 hours of my infusion, I dropped by the grocery store to pick up all that I would need for Christmas dinner and came home and played volleyball with Sophie, Jamison, and John.  Yes!  I felt well enough to do that! 

When I met with the "Cancer Crew," earlier on in the month, many of us compared notes as to how we handled this treatment or that treatment.  It has been different for each of us.  One friend did really with the AC treatments but dealt with some neuropathy from the Taxol.  It was the opposite for me.  I am doing better with the Taxol than I did with the AC.  There are similarities and differences but the important thing to remember is that your cancer experience will have a uniqueness all its own.  Every body is an amazing creation with its own unique characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, and responses.  And the outcome is different just as the plan Heavenly Father has for each of his children is different.  In the last month, I have known of two individuals who have passed from cancer.  Their cancer returned and they went very quickly.  Yet I meet with the "cancer Crew," and there are so many survivors.  I meet survivors all the time and some of their stories are miraculous.  Whether we stay or whether we move on, I can see how clearly God works in all our situations.  I believe That each of our cancer experiences are tailor made for each one of us and that we are having the experiences that God would see fit for us to have.

My friend Shannon, had every adverse reaction that an individual could have to chemo.  Lots of difficulty and suffering to the point that her Doctor was in tears over her situation.  She told him, "Don't feel bad.  I am having the experience that I am supposed to have."  What Faith! What strength!

Steroids and insomnia

Siggghhh!  The steroids that they give me as part of my pre-meds (before the chemo), make it so I can't sleep the first couple of nights after chemo.  That and gas are the two side effects that I seem to deal with most with the Taxol treatments.  Not unbearable but not pleasant either.  5th treatment complete today!  7 more to go.

Wigs n' Hats n' Wraps, Oh My!

More Pics

One of my favorite newsboy hats.

Wore these little caps a lot before I got my wigs.

Sporting the blonde wig again!

Wigs

This is for my friend Sue Anne in D. C.  She sent me a package of wonderful hats and scarves so I decided that I would take some pictures with my wigs and hats, just a few of my "new" looks.

Dark brown wig.

Shorter wig with blonde highlights.

White knit hat with bling.  The scarf is from Ethiopia.

More color!

Christmas Dinner with the Cancer Crew!

Girls night out with the Cancer crew!  We met for dinner and a White Elephant gift exchange.  Great time and way to celebrate being half way done with my chemo treatments.  8 down, 8 to go!  Feeling really good, pretty normal in fact.  Taxol has been a whole lot easier to handle than the adriamiacin and cytoxan, thank goodness!  I am in the purple sweater, far left.  Sporting the dark brown wig.

Funny wig story!

Funny wig story!

Thanksgiving day, we are all seated around our table.  My father, step-mother, my husband, our 3 children still at home, and my brother and his two children Donovan and Destiny.  I was very hot and decided to take off my sweater.  I had to pull it off over my head.  When I did this, I unknowingly removed my wig along with the sweater!  I had no idea and was about to dig back in to my food when Jamison (our ten year old) smiles at me and says, "Mom, you took off your wig!"  He wasn't the only one to notice!  I look down at the opposite end of the table and the look on Donovan and Destiny's faces were to die for!  Absolutely priceless!!  

Until that moment, they didn't know that Aunt Shanda wore a wig.  What a way for them to find out!

This is what a warrior looks like

This is what a breast cancer warrior looks like.

Lately as I look in the mirror,  I have had thoughts of soldiers as they go off to fight a war.  A soldier going in to battle has a "look" about them.  They wear a uniform.  This is my uniform.  Although the battle field is not in a far off country and happens to be my body, I am fighting a war of sorts.  I have been and will continue to be incapacitated at times.  I will lose body parts as a result of being in this battle. I have new scars with more on the horizon.  And yet this battle has given me a whole new appreciation for life.  My definition of a good day has changed.  If I wake up to be with my family and friends and I feel normal, it is a GOOD day.  Blue skies are bluer than they have ever been.  I hear the chirping of birds and go at a slower pace.  I pick up on details that I used to whiz by.  I am learning to live in the moment.  The things that mattered before, matter even more now.  Faith, family and friends.  I am attaining a new level of peace in my relationships because that 's what matters most. Life is good.  It is so good.

Bring on the Wigs!!

Sophie and Jamison goofing around in my new wigs!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I know it has been a bit since I wrote and I apologize, don't want you to worry when I am not posting.  I have had two chemo treatments of a different drug called Taxol.  So far the side effects have been much easier to bear than the initial 4 treatments.  Thank Goodness!  The one I seem to deal with the most is fatigue so I sleep a lot!  That and and some diarrhea but nothing Imodium AD can't handle!  10 more treatments to go.  I am taking this week off since my Dad and step-mom are coming to town .

Our neighbor and cancer buddy Glen Gunter talked me into trying out some wigs which I had absolutely no interest in to begin with.  Once I started trying them on, I felt normal-looking for the first time since I lost my hair.  A couple of days prior to the wig-try-on, I had told my husband that when I look in the mirror, I hardly recognize myself anymore.  There was some sadness about that.  

When I wear the wigs, I notice that I no longer get stares!  People constantly compliment me on my new hair style not realizing they are wigs.  It's great!  So I have decided to embrace it all and have fun with all the different kinds of fashions for the head!  Wigs, wraps, beanies.  Bring it on!

Just do today.

I received an uplifting story from a dear friend of mine in Tucson and I wanted to share it.  Elder Kristofferson one of the 12 Apostles of our Church spoke of his mothers fight against breast cancer.  At treatment # 3 of 16 radiation treatments, she told her mother, "I can't keep doing this-it's too much."  Her mother said, "Well can you do today?"  Answer, "Yes."  "Then just do today."  

"Just do today."  Words to live by.

Self care Just got more Complicated

Doing my exercises to help combat neuropathy.

Yesterday, Wednesday, was my first treatment of  Paclitaxol.  I have 11 more once a week for the next 11 weeks.  That is assuming that there are no complications.  So..all my prayer warriors, please pray that my body will be able to tolerate the Taxol and that I will be able strong enough to see this treatment through to completion.  I would like to stay on track with these treatments and be done as soon as possible!

Common side effects:

~Low blood counts.  White and red blood cells and platelets may temporarily decrease.

~Hair loss.  I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes but I am told it is more than likely that they will go with these treaments.

~Arthralgias & myalgias, pain in the joint and muscles.

~Peripheral neuropathy.  Numbness and tingling of the hands and feet.

~Nausea and vomiting.

~Diarrhea.

~Mouth sores.

I could experience all, some, or none of these side effects with Taxol.  We just have to wait and see.  So far, between surgery and AC chemo, I have experienced everything but vomiting and neuropathy.  Which means I feel somewhat prepared or have an idea of what to expect having experienced many of these symptoms already.  Up until now, they have been bearable and I pray that may continue to be the case.

Swaddled in Love

Last night my daughter Sophie (far left) surprised me with her Church young womens group.  They are called Beehives and they have been busy!
With the help of their leaders they made this beautiful quilt for me!  Each of them made a personalized square with their name on it.  Some of the messages read, " Life is full of great and wonderful people with great hearts.  But the best people are the people who never give up!  So never, ever give up."

"Strength is someone going through cancer who smiles through it all."

"When life kicks you, let it kick you forward."

"You've been in my prayers."

"I love my Warrior Mom."

"God gives His toughest battles to his toughest soldiers."

"Life isn't a matter of milestones but of moments."

It is a great treasure and so very comfy!  I took a nap with it today for the first time.  Love it and love you girls!

Round 4 of Chemo, Soooo DONE!

Round 4 of chemo means I am officially 1/4 of the way through chemo treatments!  John took me out to lunch and bought me an Air pad to celebrate.  Now he won't have to share his anymore!

This picture was taken Wednesday and the side effects of chemo didn't hit until day 3, which means Friday. Haven't been able to get out of bed the last two days and I am thinking that tomorrow will be more of the same. So glad to be finihed with A/C. Two week break and they start me on another IV drug called Taxol.  Once a week for 12 weeks.

I want to take a moment to sing praises to my amazing husband John Enfield.  When I am not operational, he just steps in and does it all.  Grocery shopping, laundry, chauffering the kids here, there, and everywhere.  He takes on all my duties not to mention nurses aid fetching me food, drinks and anything else I might need.  So grateful to have him with me on this journey.  Couldn't do it without him.  Love you Honey.

Grand Canyon road trip

It was fall break this last weekend and I was too sick to take the kids anywhere fun:  Auntie Mindy and Uncle Mark to the rescue!!  They came down with beloved cousins Porter and Jackson and took our kids to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon!  Their timing was perfect!  Our kids had so much fun as evidenced by the above pictures!  Thanks for serving our family during this difficult time.  We love you guys.

So someone ordered a shawl from Macy's and had it delivered to me.  Is anyone going to take credit?  I love shawls so thanks a ton!

The service continued with meals brought in by the Milne's, Clarke's, and Johnson's.  Today a week after chemo, I was feeling well enough to get out of the house.  It has been a long week, most of it in bed.  Visits from Lisa J. and Laurie H. helped break up the monotony and were bright spots for me.  Do I know the best people or what?

The Robe by Mercy River

Yesterday I had a moment.  Round 3 of chemo has been rough and I spent the last 3 days in bed.  I was contemplating my mortality.  Will I get through this?  If I do, will the cancer come back again in a different area of my body?  What would I do?  How would I react, etc. etc.  I think these thought processes are natural given the circumstances.  Yes, I know, I am only Stage 2b but when you are sicker than sick, your thoughts can wander.

A song came on the radio.  The Robe by Mercy River.  It resounded with me in that moment and gave me a sense of calm and peace.

Faithful woman reached through
the crowd
And her hands gently touched
Your robe
And You through Your grace
made her whole
And now my broken body is
fading fast
And like her I'm searching
through the crowds
Desperate to find you somehow

And I'm reaching for that robe
I know that You can make me
whole
But if its not meant to be that way
If I can't stay
Then just wrap me in that robe
and hold me when I go

If you call me home to You
Please help those who love me understand
We are still held together by Your
hands

I'm reaching for that robe
I know that You can make me
whole

Beautiful, beautiful song.  Rescued me in a low moment.

The Book of Mormon

The other day I had an inspirational moment with the scriptures.  I was reading in The Book of Mormon, in Alma Chapter 34 verse 41.  It  read "have patience, and bear with those afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions."

I do have hope that just as this difficulty has come upon me, it will one day be a memory.  When that day comes, I want Heavenly Father to be able to say, "Well done daughter, you have borne this affliction with patience, hope, and faith.  Well done."

Chemo Companion

My dear friend Dana O. was my chemo companion for my 3rd round of AC.  I kept telling her I was tired and was going to take a nap, but she was just too much fun to talk to so I kept jabbering and jabbering!  Thanks to the Langston's for bringing in dinner tonight.  I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, wonderful people!!

"How are the CHILDREN COPING?"

Lots of people ask how our children are coping.  Friday, I drove Maya (14 years old) to school and she told me that she had a dream.  In the dream I died and it was very sad for her.  We talked about how sometimes our fears can manifest themselves in our dreams.  I did my best to reassure her.  None of my doctors have ever told me that my prognosis is bad.  I am Stage 2B and I meet breast cancer survivors every day, many of whom were Stage 3 or 4 when they were diagnosed.  Breast Cancer is one of the least complicated kinds of cancer to treat with excellent survival rates etc, etc.  We held hands as we talked.  This morning she gave me the above art work.  She had doodled it at school yesterday.

"Win is what MY WARRIOR MOM WILL DO.

Thoughtful

STRONG

Powerful

Persistent

Strong-willed

Well known and 

Beautiful!

Kind and Gentle

Caring & Loving

Outstanding

Smart

Loved

OURS"

I asked my children if they wanted to shave my head when my hair really started to fall out.  I hoped that it would give them a sense of empowerment and control in all this.  They were excited to do it and upon finishing, Sophie (12 years old), took some of my curls and put them in a Mason jar with white and pink ribbons around it.  I thought that was sweet.

Jamison ( 10 years old) was excited to show off my bald head to his soccer teammates when I picked them up after practice the other day.  They all get in the car and without any warning he says, "HEY!!  Want to see my Mom's bald head!!?"  Some didn't have any idea that I had lost my hair because I have always worn hats, I just have more and wear them all the time now!  They did, so I obliged.  It was interesting to see the range of reactions.  One in particular, Trey, was very compassionate.  He said, "Oh, I feel so bad for girls when that happens."  He meant it too, you could see it in his eyes.  Cute, cute boys!  Aren't kids wonderful!?

As for Vince, our Mormon Missionary, he doesn't even ask how I am doing.  I think that's wonderrful!  His letters are all about the experiences he is having as a missionary and that is just how I want them to be.  

"Support" Group

 Last night, Thursday, I attended my first Survivor Support Group.  Just to give you and idea of how fun these ladies are, look at the cupcakes Michelle had brought for the evening.  Remind you of anything?!!  Too funny!  They were delish!!  There are a wide variety of gals in terms of ages and some of us are currently going through treatment while others are past it.  I was able to ask a lot of questions and learn from their experiences.  Had an all around great time!  Look forward to more fun with these ladies!

"Dig Pink," Supporters

Tuesday afternoon I attended a volleyball game at the High School.  It was "Dig Pink" night in honor of Breast Cancer awareness month.  Our friends Saselah and Kylee honored me by having my name put on their jersy's!  

Here I am after the match with Saselah.  She rocked it!  Way to represent Team Enfield Saselah!

Intense focus!

Thumbs up for Team Enfield!

Our friends from Phoenix, Arizona ( the Chapin's) honored me by dedicating their football game to me!

My friends from Tucson, (Emma J.) also had a "Dig Pink," night for her volleyball team.  They sent me a text along with this picture saying, "Thinking of you in Tucson."

 

Thanks to each and everyone of you!  The second round of chemo was tougher than the first and I had really been feeling awful.  Each of these gestures warmed my heart and lifted my spirits during some tough days.  You are loved and appreciated more than you know.

Scarves? Maybe.....

This is for Dad.  Here I am in one of my scarves.  Never fear Father Dear, I have 13 fabulous hats and at least twice as many scarves!  

Head-Shaving Ceremony

Here we go....

Maya and Sophie start chopping.

I have always said that I have enough hair for three women. It took about 15-20 minutes.

John finished it off with a nice all around shave. 

Teancum

This morning we received this picture and text from some friends of ours regarding their teenage son Teancum: "John and Shanda, I thought it might be interesting for you to know that the Desert Hills football team wears pink to encourage support to fight breast cancer.  We discovered last night that Teancum wrote Shanda's name on his pink sleeve to remind himself how personal it can be.  Just wanted to remind you that you are in our hearts and prayers."

What a bright spot after all the hair loss yesterday!

Goodbye Curls

My hair REALLY started to fall out in the shower today.  Very unsettling, down right scary in fact.  I will be seeing my stylist Jody tonight so she can take it all to one very short layer.  I think the head shaving is just around the corner.  So my conversation with hubby tonight went like this:

ME: I am scared to lose my hair.

Hubby: Me too!

Me: What are YOU scared for?

Hubby: How you'll look.

Me: Yeah, me too.  

PAUSE for a few moments.

Me: Well, we just have to tell ourselves that it's temporary.  And it's just the way I look, the way I look is NOT who I am.  I will still be me.

Hubby: Your hair doesn't define you.

Me: Yeah!!

Thus went the conversation as we tried to console ourselves about the upcoming change.

Loved and Supported

Here we go...2 nd round of Chemo.  

When we got home, this sign was at the bottom of our street.  It says "Breast Cancer Awareness Month, HONK for Team Enfield!"

More elves had been at our home while we were gone!  Pink Ribbons and hearts were staked in our front yard!  It's like Christmas in October except everything is PINK!

In side we found some yummies, music CD, and bracelet!  Maya is going to wear the bracelet in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and in support of me!

My sweet, Sophie wore a pink T-shirt to school today to show support of my 2nd round of Chemo.

The Loe family brought us fantastic chicken taco's for dinner tonight!  Thanks everyone!

Stay in the Moment

Well....feeling like myself again!  The past 6 days have been sooooo nice.  Have to admit that I am not looking forward to Wednesday ( the next chemo treatment) and experiencing the side effects once again.  At the same time, I acknowledge how well I did after the first treatment and will be praying that I continue to do as well.  This journey is going to require  stamina and ENDURANCE.  After all, I am only on the second of 16 treatments.  So important for me to stay grounded in the moment and take it one day at a time.  It just feels doable if I do that, not so much if I don't.

Poise Pads, REALLY?

So what do you do when insomnia hits?  I am going to blog a bit then watch some HGTV.  These little beauties?  Let's just say, that I didn't think I would be needing them for at least another 15 years!   One more lovely side effect of Chemo!  I must say that I am grateful for all the over the counter remedies that can lessen the side effects of cancer treatments.  Poise pads and Imodium AD to the rescue this time!  Other fun side effects the first time around have been, nausea, fatigue, body aches, mouth sores, insomnia.  

Fortunately for me, they have all been bearable.  Here's to round 2, next Wednesday.

Chemo Fog

Day 5 after my first chemo treatment.  I think my body is starting to work its way out of "chemo fog."  My word for the side effects and symptoms associated with chemo.  I didn't have to take a Claritin to help ward off the body aches brought on by the Neulasta shot.  Haven't needed to take anti-nausea meds either.  Felt well enough to get on my road bike!!!  

Went for a short but beautiful ride.  The weather is just gorgeous.  A little bit of cool in the air, sun in the skies.  I didn't time myself at all or keep track of mileage.  This ride was all about pure enjoyment.  The fact that I felt well enough to ride... that's all.

Funny moments with chemo fog:  I shaved one leg and completely forgot to shave the other!  Start a task like emptying the dishwasher, get distracted and forget to do the rest.  Often ask John the same thing more than once.  Well, it is what it is.  If I can do this well all through chemo, I will count it a great blessing.  Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts.

Coping Mechanisms

Learning more about my anti-nausea meds and what they can do for me.  Nausea has been omnipresent today.

Rosie, my furry companion, has been quite a comfort to me today.

Only food I have been able to tolerate today.  Thanks to Lori B. for bringing me her fabulous homemade chicken soup.  Had it for lunch and dinner.

Chemo Cycle #1

So, my very first visitors after my very first chemo treatment were my neighbors Glenn and Rosemary G!  Glenn joined the Cancer Club before me and I used to visit him when he was going through chemo and radiation.  Now he is well enough to come visit me.  What a great guy!  He said, "It's okay for me to go through this stuff, but not you!"  There is definitely a special connection we share as Cancer Club members.  

First Chemo session was at 11 am and lasted until about 1:30.  So...Yesterday afternoon and evening I was feeling fatigued and nauseous.  They gave me some very strong anti-nausea meds through the IV before they even started the chemo.  The nausea didn't really hit until late afternoon, but it was manageable with the anti-nausea pills they gave me to follow up with at home.  I was able to eat a small meal and keep it down.  (Thanks to Lisa J. and Theresa L. for the great food!  I could not have cooked for my family last night)

Today, by 11 am, my stomach was completely settled so I enjoyed lunch and dinner immensely!  My energy level has been steady most of the day.  I had a good work out this morning, a little nap, and then went in for my injection. Can't remember the name for it but it is supposed to help bring my white blood cell count back up.  The point of these cancer treatments is to distinguish rapidly dividing cells and our bone marrow cells fall in to that category even though they are "good", cells.  Thus the shot.  

I am told that day 3-4 post chemo is when things can start to get pretty uncomfortable for some people.  Time will tell, I guess.  Feeling well 1st day after chemo!

Chemo Cycle #1

First day of chemo.  The recliners are super comfy!  They have a heat button and massage function!  Of course I want a massage while I am getting chemo!  

An anonymous friend or friends (can't get John to tell me who) came by while we were gone and filled my house with uplifting thoughts, balloons, and gifts.  This large poster is in my hallway and I have already taken down day 1!

A beautiful pink and white scarf, chocolate, journal, gag gifts, and pamper products fill the bucket.

This is just one of the many uplifting thoughts that are everywhere!  Not one will be taken down.  When I have my weak moments, I won't have to look very far to find some inspiration.  Thank you who ever you are!  

Feeling Loved

Pedicures followed by lunch with friends!  What a way to be uplifted before my first day of  Chemo which will be tomorrow.

My friend Laurie H. gave me this at lunch.  Couldn't make it all the way through the first read without lots of tears.  I am going to memorize this one so when the going gets tough, I can recite it to myself.

Had the baseline MUGA scan of my heart today.  The MUGA looks to see that my heart is receiving the necessary blood to function well.  Will have more of those as Chemo proceeds as some of the meds are heavy duty and can compromise this.