Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back to the week of the diagnosis, I feel that I can see much more clearly many of the initial emotional reactions since I have allowed time to pass.  In the moment, it was very overwhelming and so much to handle all at once.  I think my initial reaction was one of two feelings: shock, "this is surreal, and fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Am I going to live or die?  How will my body react to chemo and radiation?  Most of the chemo and radiation stories I heard, were the scary ones.  People did not fare well and became very ill.  I have since learned that there is a whole spectrum of how people respond to chemo and radiation.  We don't hear of the people who do.  But they are out there.  The AC treatments have (so far) been the most difficult for me to handle.  Now that I am Receiving Taxol, I am doing great.  Little to no side effects!  Today I drove myself to chemo as John has been sick and we did't want to expose everyone. After 3 hours of my infusion, I dropped by the grocery store to pick up all that I would need for Christmas dinner and came home and played volleyball with Sophie, Jamison, and John.  Yes!  I felt well enough to do that! 

When I met with the "Cancer Crew," earlier on in the month, many of us compared notes as to how we handled this treatment or that treatment.  It has been different for each of us.  One friend did really with the AC treatments but dealt with some neuropathy from the Taxol.  It was the opposite for me.  I am doing better with the Taxol than I did with the AC.  There are similarities and differences but the important thing to remember is that your cancer experience will have a uniqueness all its own.  Every body is an amazing creation with its own unique characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, and responses.  And the outcome is different just as the plan Heavenly Father has for each of his children is different.  In the last month, I have known of two individuals who have passed from cancer.  Their cancer returned and they went very quickly.  Yet I meet with the "cancer Crew," and there are so many survivors.  I meet survivors all the time and some of their stories are miraculous.  Whether we stay or whether we move on, I can see how clearly God works in all our situations.  I believe That each of our cancer experiences are tailor made for each one of us and that we are having the experiences that God would see fit for us to have.

My friend Shannon, had every adverse reaction that an individual could have to chemo.  Lots of difficulty and suffering to the point that her Doctor was in tears over her situation.  She told him, "Don't feel bad.  I am having the experience that I am supposed to have."  What Faith! What strength!

Steroids and insomnia

Siggghhh!  The steroids that they give me as part of my pre-meds (before the chemo), make it so I can't sleep the first couple of nights after chemo.  That and gas are the two side effects that I seem to deal with most with the Taxol treatments.  Not unbearable but not pleasant either.  5th treatment complete today!  7 more to go.

Wigs n' Hats n' Wraps, Oh My!

More Pics

One of my favorite newsboy hats.

Wore these little caps a lot before I got my wigs.

Sporting the blonde wig again!

Wigs

This is for my friend Sue Anne in D. C.  She sent me a package of wonderful hats and scarves so I decided that I would take some pictures with my wigs and hats, just a few of my "new" looks.

Dark brown wig.

Shorter wig with blonde highlights.

White knit hat with bling.  The scarf is from Ethiopia.

More color!

Christmas Dinner with the Cancer Crew!

Girls night out with the Cancer crew!  We met for dinner and a White Elephant gift exchange.  Great time and way to celebrate being half way done with my chemo treatments.  8 down, 8 to go!  Feeling really good, pretty normal in fact.  Taxol has been a whole lot easier to handle than the adriamiacin and cytoxan, thank goodness!  I am in the purple sweater, far left.  Sporting the dark brown wig.

Funny wig story!

Funny wig story!

Thanksgiving day, we are all seated around our table.  My father, step-mother, my husband, our 3 children still at home, and my brother and his two children Donovan and Destiny.  I was very hot and decided to take off my sweater.  I had to pull it off over my head.  When I did this, I unknowingly removed my wig along with the sweater!  I had no idea and was about to dig back in to my food when Jamison (our ten year old) smiles at me and says, "Mom, you took off your wig!"  He wasn't the only one to notice!  I look down at the opposite end of the table and the look on Donovan and Destiny's faces were to die for!  Absolutely priceless!!  

Until that moment, they didn't know that Aunt Shanda wore a wig.  What a way for them to find out!

This is what a warrior looks like

This is what a breast cancer warrior looks like.

Lately as I look in the mirror,  I have had thoughts of soldiers as they go off to fight a war.  A soldier going in to battle has a "look" about them.  They wear a uniform.  This is my uniform.  Although the battle field is not in a far off country and happens to be my body, I am fighting a war of sorts.  I have been and will continue to be incapacitated at times.  I will lose body parts as a result of being in this battle. I have new scars with more on the horizon.  And yet this battle has given me a whole new appreciation for life.  My definition of a good day has changed.  If I wake up to be with my family and friends and I feel normal, it is a GOOD day.  Blue skies are bluer than they have ever been.  I hear the chirping of birds and go at a slower pace.  I pick up on details that I used to whiz by.  I am learning to live in the moment.  The things that mattered before, matter even more now.  Faith, family and friends.  I am attaining a new level of peace in my relationships because that 's what matters most. Life is good.  It is so good.