Hindsight is 20/20

Looking back to the week of the diagnosis, I feel that I can see much more clearly many of the initial emotional reactions since I have allowed time to pass.  In the moment, it was very overwhelming and so much to handle all at once.  I think my initial reaction was one of two feelings: shock, "this is surreal, and fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Am I going to live or die?  How will my body react to chemo and radiation?  Most of the chemo and radiation stories I heard, were the scary ones.  People did not fare well and became very ill.  I have since learned that there is a whole spectrum of how people respond to chemo and radiation.  We don't hear of the people who do.  But they are out there.  The AC treatments have (so far) been the most difficult for me to handle.  Now that I am Receiving Taxol, I am doing great.  Little to no side effects!  Today I drove myself to chemo as John has been sick and we did't want to expose everyone. After 3 hours of my infusion, I dropped by the grocery store to pick up all that I would need for Christmas dinner and came home and played volleyball with Sophie, Jamison, and John.  Yes!  I felt well enough to do that! 

When I met with the "Cancer Crew," earlier on in the month, many of us compared notes as to how we handled this treatment or that treatment.  It has been different for each of us.  One friend did really with the AC treatments but dealt with some neuropathy from the Taxol.  It was the opposite for me.  I am doing better with the Taxol than I did with the AC.  There are similarities and differences but the important thing to remember is that your cancer experience will have a uniqueness all its own.  Every body is an amazing creation with its own unique characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, and responses.  And the outcome is different just as the plan Heavenly Father has for each of his children is different.  In the last month, I have known of two individuals who have passed from cancer.  Their cancer returned and they went very quickly.  Yet I meet with the "cancer Crew," and there are so many survivors.  I meet survivors all the time and some of their stories are miraculous.  Whether we stay or whether we move on, I can see how clearly God works in all our situations.  I believe That each of our cancer experiences are tailor made for each one of us and that we are having the experiences that God would see fit for us to have.

My friend Shannon, had every adverse reaction that an individual could have to chemo.  Lots of difficulty and suffering to the point that her Doctor was in tears over her situation.  She told him, "Don't feel bad.  I am having the experience that I am supposed to have."  What Faith! What strength!