"The Ugly Duckling," phase.

For me, breast cancer has struck at the very core of my physical-feminine attributes.  Currently, I am bald.  When all is said and done, I will have had both breasts removed as well as my ovaries and Fallopian tubes.  I am ever so grateful that I bore all 4 of our children earlier on in life.  Thus the removal of my feminine body parts is not so tragic.  At least not from a reproductive stand point.....

There is a part of me that looks forward to having my breasts GONE for all the trouble they have caused lately!  After all, they almost killed me!  Yet, they also nurtured our children as infants and gave me a strong feeling of femininity.  I definitely have mixed emotions about the upcoming surgeries.  I am scheduled for the bi-lateral mastectomy February 18th.  

These days when I look in the mirror, I have to look very hard to see any semblance of the old Shanda. I have to remind myself that this phase will pass and that the swan is lurking just below the surface waiting to make a reappearance given time.  Fortunately, God is not "looking at my clothes, He's looking at my soul!"

Fuzz!

What's that?  The back of my head.  I am very excited to share that I have Fuzz growing!  I didn't think I would start to see hair growing back until a month or so after I finished the Taxol.  Not sure if it is actual hair.  Different places have different textures and colors coming in.  Some hairs appear thick, coarse and dark.  Other strands appear like the fuzz new borns grow initially.  Some strands are gray.  Quite a few actually.  I didn't really have gray hair before but have been told that after chemo, when the hair does grow in, it can be completely different than before.  Color, texture etc.  My hair was so curly before, if it gets any curlier, I won't be able to get a comb through it!  Maybe it will grow in straight?  Any predictions?

Remember to Pray....

The Young Men and Young Women groups from our church passed these around our neighborhood tonight.  Bright spot in an otherwise difficult week.

I have had some rough days as I got sick with a nasty viral infection 10 days ago.  On day 5 the virus settled in to my sinus's and caused a major ear infection.  Ringing in the ears and overall dizziness along with a fever.  The doctor gave me a rocephin injection and then prescribed some antibiotics to take orally.  The last couple of days have been discouraging.  So to see these Lillie beauties on my doorstep, well it really lifted my spirits.  

In the mean time, several families from our Ward (church congregation) have brought dinner to us every night for the last 3 nights. Thanks to the Johnson's, Hughes, Wheeler and Ohlsen families!  

Last but certainly not least, I got a call from one of the Counselors at Maya's school and they want to donate the proceeds from an upcoming " Relay for Life," to our family.  

The support we continue to receive from our neighborhood and community through this challenging time astounds me and inspires to me to, "Just keep swimming."

Go see Meet the Mormons!

Stuart Scott

Stuart Scott died from cancer a couple of days ago.  I wasn't a fan.  Soccer is about the only professional sport that I would be interested in watching.  That or maybe volleyball.   I don't watch any of the sport newscast shows so I didn't even know he was going through cancer treatments until he was gone.  I watched a clip of him accepting an award from ESPN.  He said, "You beat cancer by how you live."  Now.....I am a fan.  That statement really resounded with me.  I hadn't used those words to describe my philosophy or perspective on life with cancer. The closest I came to it was something like, "I want to learn to live with cancer, not die from it."  But his phrase really captured the essence of what I have felt since my diagnosis.  I want life to go on as normally as possible for me but most especially my family.  Live and do as much as I can, as much as we can in the ways that we have always done.

When I hear of someone dying from cancer, it affects me differently than it used to. I linger over the loss longer and feel compassion for the deceased and their loved ones in a way that I never used to.  It just feels more personal because of the shared experience, I guess.